This collection of poems, Being Here, tracks a journey into a darkness that stripped me of everything except the will to live, and the gradual reappearance of light and hope that made living once again bearable. 

The journey was not intentional. I didn’t sign up for the radical shift in perspective that came about and the crushing weight of finding myself in a world where death, decay and despair were the currency of everyday existence

I had no sense of or interest in being a poet or writing poetry during this time. But what I describe today as poems emerged out of that chaos and darkness unbidden. And as they emerged they brought momentary relief: a sense that it was possible to step out of and describe what it felt like to be in that world.

They were also witness to my gradual reemergence into and reconnection with everyday life, and the return of hope and meaning.

I’ve agonised over sharing these poems with others. I’ve wondered whether it’s possible to convey the terrible dislocation I felt, the depth of despair at being unable to inhabit my old life, be my old self. I was adrift in a world where no one could reach me

These poems attempt to document that world: how I got there, what it was like to be there; how a way out opened up for me; and how I’m relating to it today. Connecting with people and sharing the experience has been and is vital in my life. 

I hope the poems resonate in some way with you. I wish you well. 

The collection is divided into four sections: way in, deep in, way out, and out

Carl Jung

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious.

The latter procedure is, however , disagreeable, and therefore unpopular.

These poems emerged out of darkness and pain. I didn’t sit down to write them. They arrived and asked to be written. They were a gift from beyond myself. They remind me that I have survived, that I’m still here.

In 2007 I did a long meditation retreat in the USA. I’d been meditating at that point for about 25 years. I was very interested up in Buddhism and Buddhist practice because it really seemed to me to provide a pathway out of suffering, and I was living with chronic physical pain and emotional/ psychological pain.  

I saw this long retreat as a great opportunity to get to the end of suffering.

Most of my time there was fruitful and productive, but in the final days of the retreat I could feel a growing sense of unease and then, on a particular evening, I recognised that my mind was unravelling. 

I was in a place I had never been in before.  

And despite the help and support of the he teachers at the centre I was in a waking nightmare.

“Unmoored” is a poem is about that experience of being radically out of control.